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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Montreal, Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Montreal,” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Well sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Montreal!”

The boy replied, “No kidding???? What position did she play?”

It was a really dark night when two drivers of the opposite sex collided their vehicles into each other. It was disastrous. Amazingly, both drivers escaped the rubble unscathed.

“Say…” the woman starts “it’s gotta be fate that’s brought us together like this eh? If not we wouldn’t have survived this accident.”

“Maybe we’re really meant to be together!” The man agrees almost immediately after looking at how beautiful the woman is.

“Wow look, I’ve still got a bottle of wine in my car and it’s not broken, Let’s drink to our love!” the woman exclaims.

Without a moment of hesitation, the man grabs the bottle and swallows half of it. “Here, your turn” says the man.

“No thanks” the woman replies “I think I’ll wait for the cops…”

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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,

“Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment …”

What do you get when you cross a stream and a creek?

WET FEET!

Number 20 walks into a bar and said to the bartender, ‘Hey, get me a beer.’

‘No can do’ the bartender replies.

Puzzled, Number 20 asks,’Why can’t I have a beer?’

‘Well’ the bartender answers,’You’re under 21…’

An undertaker and a snake once got married. They bought a house, they bought a car, they had everything. Except for one thing, their own seperate towels for their bathroom. They went to the tailor and asked the gentleman that worked there, “What design should we put on the towels?” The tailor replied “Why not hiss and hearse?”