JokerHut.com

What is the similarity between a tree and a quadratic equation?

Ans: Roots

NASA wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space.

It took 200 engineers and they spent over $2 billion to finally invent a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow.

NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all over the world.

In a short note to the Americans, the Soviet engineers congratulated them, but said that they too had found a solution at a fraction of the cost.

They remarked, “We use a pencil.”

It is said that time flies like an arrow.

To me, fruit flies like a banana.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself,

“Oh God, I’m screwed.”

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out,

“No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, “Okay, NOW you’re screwed.”

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Why did the tomato blush?

Ans: It saw the Salad dressing.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There’s only one problem”

“What is it Ma?”

“They won’t let me fart.”

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

“Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher… I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I haven’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,

“Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I have not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

“My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher …

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”